Even though I am happy in my current relationship, I find that I have some unresolved regrets and baggage from past relationships that are still affecting me. Some of the issues are fear-based thinking, the need for compassion, and intergenerational trauma from my parents and are from past romantic relationships. I found myself ruminating on these past relationships and getting triggered every once in a while. I would be reminded of unpleasant memories and worry that past issues are repeating themselves.
I took this as a sign that I still had some work to do to let go of past regrets and negative thoughts. I needed to process my unresolved emotions so I can break out of unhealthy patterns and eventually let go of past hurts. I’m letting go of old stories and adopting new ones that are true to who I am and want to be today. According to relationship guru Mat Boggs, closure involves three experiences created within oneself: the experiences of peace, release, possibility, and new hope for oneself.
The Power of Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
“Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, care, and forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the harmful actions of others or accepting their apologies. Forgiveness can mean accepting that someone’s actions were damaging while also letting go of anger in order to benefit one’s well-being. It may involve processing emotional pain, understanding what caused it, and thinking about what it would take to forgive.” — Marney A. White, Ph.D.
Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking
One of my issues is using fear-based thinking to drive my actions instead of acting out of love. In one past relationship, I sensed that something was wrong but did not want to rock the boat because I was scared of what might happen if I did. I chose to ignore my instincts and deny what they were warning me about. A few months later, I was caught off guard when my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated because I did not want the relationship to end, although I knew on a deep level that something wasn’t right about it. I wasn’t ready to let it go so I let time pass by and just hoped things would continue indefinitely. I was acting out of fear — fear of the change, the unknown, and being alone — not out of love.
If I was able to act out of love, perhaps I could have accepted what I saw to be the truth and work on letting go even through my fear. Perhaps I could have gotten emotional support for myself sooner and been able to deal better with the end of the relationship. My therapist reminded me that I was doing the best I could at the time and that I can show my past self grace. In the end, everything worked out fine for me. It all led me to where I am now. I’m still working on acting out of love instead of out of fear. I can speak up when something doesn’t feel right to me; I don’t need to walk on eggshells. I’m working on trusting myself and listening to my instincts and intuition.
Addressing Self-Betrayal
Another issue I face is not being on my own side or self betrayal. In this case, I was not standing up for myself sufficiently in the face of someone who was treating me unfairly. One ex made unfair and untrue statements about me. I was hurt but could only protest weakly to his statements. He later apologized and admitted he was being mean. Even though he apologized, that incident had a lasting impact on me, sparking in me the fear that what he said could be true. However, I now know that it is not. My therapist also reminded me that a man who would treat me that way is not worth having as a boyfriend in the first place. Nowadays, I know how to set boundaries and defend myself against verbal attacks. I can show myself love, kindness, and self-compassion.
Releasing Guilt and Blame
Because I was in the habit of blaming myself, I carried the guilt of failed relationships. I believed that I had done something wrong and the relationship could be saved if I could have gone back and corrected a mistake. The relationship failures were not my fault; they failed because my exes and I were not a good match or were not ready for relationships in one way or another. This internalization diminished my confidence when it came to relationships, making me believe I wasn’t “good at it” or that I was cursed. Eventually, I realized that I tended to carry blame and guilt because of old childhood wounds which made me think that I was inadequate. I experience a lot of negative self-talk. I worked on changing self-talk from “It’s my fault, I messed it up” to “I am not to blame. I am enough.”
Healing from Intergenerational Trauma
My relationship pitfalls stem from past trauma and childhood attachment issues. Certainly, one messy piece of baggage I have to deal with is the model of relationship I inherited from my parents. My parents’ relationship was based on codependency more than love. If it seemed like my father couldn’t handle something, my mother would fly off the handle. She’d start getting controlling and critical.
Unfortunately, I developed some of the same tendencies from growing up in their household. Initially, I would start getting controlling of my partner when I was thrown off or surprised by something. I would start demanding that they do a certain thing or act a certain way or tell them I needed them to be able to do something. For example, I’d tell a partner that they need to do a better job cleaning the house. I would set this expectation even though I know they are already doing their best. After a while, my partner feels like they are suffocating under all my demands.
After going through this cycle several times, I recognized my pattern of being controlling and sought to develop ways to deal with uncertainty better. I brought my issues into therapy and discussed with my therapist how I inherited some of my parents’ core beliefs which do not serve me. My parents’ model of codependency came from life and death circumstances in their past. They believed that loss of control could lead to dire consequences. That is not my case and operating under this belief is unhealthy. Instead, I am learning to let go of control and trust the decisions and actions of my partner. Over time, I find they have good judgement and are trustworthy. I do not need to and should not micromanage. I’m adopting a supportive attitude with more praise and fewer expectations. I can learn to make decisions and act out of love, not fear.
Another negative pattern I inherited comes from my mother who is constantly criticizing my father without seeing the efforts he makes and taking for granted what he provides for her. My mother overlooks the fact that he provides a house for her to live in, and pays for her health insurance, as well as all the bills. Without him, she would not have the quality of life that she currently does. He makes efforts to take her on vacations to faraway places and buy her gifts. Instead, she focuses on his flaws (of which there are many) and regularly curses him for spending money on his family, losing his temper, or for working too much. Hearing that criticism directed at my father every day while growing up has probably led to a propensity for me to act the same way towards my partner. It became deeply ingrained. I needed to move away from this unhealthy model and find a better, more sustainable one.
Quieting the Critical Inner Voice
In my own relationship, I am plagued by a critical inner voice that is constantly condescending to my partner. I’m quite sure this critical inner voice is partially passed on from my parents to me. The voice goes off automatically, making it difficult for me to counter. Instead of appreciating my partner, the critical inner voice is constantly pointing out his flaws and shortcomings. In the beginning, the voice was hiding in my thoughts. As time went on, I started to notice its subtle influence but felt powerless to combat it.
Finally, I started outing these thoughts into broad daylight so I can deal with them. I wrote them down as they arose so I can see where they lurk and what they are saying. I can see how skewed, unfair, ridiculous, and untrue its statements are, and also how persistent these statements are despite being ludicrous and false. I notice that listening to this inner voice leads me to be less affectionate and more accusatory with my partner.
I am working on combating and quieting down the critical inner voice. I see how the inner critic tries to convince me that my boyfriend is negligent and lazy, when in fact he is devoted and considerate. Most importantly, I can short-circuit this depressing tape inside my head and replace it with happier thoughts and voices. I’m developing healthy ways to connect with my partner that are more understanding and mild, and less belligerent and accusatory.
“The first step toward letting go is realizing that it is necessary and feeling ready to do so. This can happen at different times for different people, but once someone makes this decision, it can be empowering. Memories of past events can bring up complex or strong emotions. Allowing oneself to feel those feelings unconditionally, without trying to fight or fix them, is an important step toward processing what happened.” — Marney A. White, Ph.D.
I’m learning to let go of my past relationship regrets and unresolved baggage. Although I know better now, I was doing my best at the time even if I was acting out of fear or unable to properly defend myself against mean-spirited remarks. I’m only human after all. Thus, I forgive myself for my role in past mistakes and show myself grace for things I may have done in the past that I’m not proud of. I am stopping the occasional rumination and changing negative self-talk. I’m on my own side now. I’m trying to be less controlling and more trusting. I know learning to let go of the past is essential to moving on, growing, and giving birth to a new life. I’m moving on to a brighter future.